I came across a post on reddit asking for advice about femdom, and it reminded me how so much that has become completely intuitive to me now, has not always been. And there will always be wonderful women out there who are just at the footstep of their femdom journey, tentative and unsure.
You see, entering into femdom for a woman can be as transgressive and vulnerable as it is for a man to step into submission. And this vulnerability feels the opposite of powerful. If you’re a woman who finds femdom alluring, but unsure if it suits you…
This isn’t my writing but I thought I had to share it.
Femdom As A Performance
I believe that there are so many women out there who could love and enjoy femdom, but are facing a huge barrier to entry. We are so deeply conditioned to understand our own sexual desires through the male gaze, that can be very difficult to imagine femdom as anything other than a performative act for the sake of men – a cold sadistic play-pretend (at least for those of us who are not natural sadists). After all, a lot of femdom porn and mainstream depictions of femdom look like this.
I have been topping, and even practicing power exchange, for 20 years before I realized that I was interested in BDSM. When I thought of Dommes, I thought of latex, dungeons, whips, chains, stunningly beautiful women, cold and distant, mean, lacking in any empathy or love. That was some guy’s fantasy, unfathomable why, and not anything to do with me.
You see, most of us women, we don’t look at Catwoman or Poison Ivy and think she’s an achievable role-model. She’s out of reach for us ordinary gals with romantic ideals. She’s cool and sexy, but she’s not like us. I couldn’t be like her – it would be far to arrogant to think I could be. And besides, she a villain. I didn’t identify with her. I envied her.
My first experience with femdom was in my teenage years, when my boyfriend asked me to try some kinky things. I did it reluctantly. I put on an act for his sake. I played the mistress part, the kind you might see in porn. I didn’t feel powerful. I felt embarrassed, awkward, and silly. I put on an act and it made him happy. But it felt completely inauthentic to me. I dropped the mistress roleplay. I never went back to it after we split.
In the years and partners that followed, I came into my power as a top and gentle Domme without realizing. I wasn’t mean – I was loving. I wasn’t cold – I was playful. My man was not a sub, he was just a really affectionate guy who desired me passionately and put my pleasure first.
Not A Domme, Right?
I would blindfold my man, sometimes tie him, tease and deny him for hours, edge him until he whimpered and begged. I’d pepper him in kisses. Tickle him. Laugh together. Not allow him to cum until I had had my own orgasm. Or two. Or three. And hold him in my arms after, in complete satisfied bliss, whispering sweet words of adoration.
And when he would go down on me for hours, and I stroked his hair, or melted under adoring kisses and touches and worship… Or when he told me how lucky he felt to have me, how mind-blowingly sexy I was, how he loved that I took control of our orgasms, that sex with me was out of this world… that’s just normal stuff every couple has, right.
That had nothing to do with dungeons or latex or whips. And when I pegged him, or dressed him in a skirt to make him so pretty, or teased him to make him blush, and kissed him passionately because he was so damn adorable when he felt embarrassed, that was just vanilla, right?
The Correct Way To Femdom
Then in my 30s I first learned what BDSM stands for. B for Bondage. DS for Dominance and submission. And SM for Sadism and Masochism. And that you can have each of those letters without the others. That you can enjoy bondage, without power exchange. And power exchange without pain. And pain without the others. And I became curious, and went to Google. And for the first time, I discovered gentle femdom on reddit. And the rest is history.
Gentle, sensual femdom exists. As does the harsh sadistic kind. Some Dommes love chains and whips. Others like soft whispers and kind cuddles. Some will happily humiliate someone for fun, others prefer to be worshipped. Some prefer femboys so soft and sweet, and some prefer to bring masculine “Alpha” types to their knees. Some love obedient servants, and others love cheeky brats. And some love everything under the sun.
There is no “correct” way to do femdom. There is no set number of kinks you must adhere to. No need to put on an act. The essence of topping and Domination is simply… to take what gives you most pleasure from someone who is willing to give it. If you love the idea of leaving your partner a whimpering moaning mess, with eyes that desire you fervently, and adoring smiles and soft words of gratitude, then you already have a seed inside of you that you can nurture to become a Domme, without ever having to put on a cold sadistic mistress act (if you don’t want to!). There are so many subs out there who would love to have a Domme like you.
At first, it may feel vulnerable or selfish to follow your own desires and take control. It may feel “wrong” because all your life you have been taught to be a “good girl” and follow someone else’s lead. But when you’re paired with an adoring and enthusiastic sub, taking pleasure from them feels so good, and they love you so much for it.