How To Set Effective Protocol in a Female Led Relationship
The point of having daily protocols is to easily create the opportunity to connect with your dynamic and your partner. Fundamentally, this isn’t about any act, but rather how it makes you both feel.
Everyday protocol needs to be built for the heavy wear and tear of everyday life, so design your prototype accordingly. With a little bit of planning, you can really make a difference between something you will stick to and something that falls by the wayside next week.
Why bother with protocol? Well, protocol is about creating easy, sustainable ways of connecting with your dynamic. Protocol just means putting the effort in, up front to create an easy, thought-out way of doing something, which helps both of you connect with the right headspace, so that you don’t have to think about it amidst the chaos of everyday life.
In my experience, to make protocol life proof you have to:
Make it simple.
Pick something simple and start with that – the feeling that you will get successfully sticking to something will add up and help you build on that foundation! The end goal is to make your protocol a habit – a part of life you automatically do and don’t give a second thought to. It takes about 60 days to form a new habit, so ideally, you want to be as consistent with your protocol as possible. So, make it easy for both of you to follow every day.
Make it adaptable.
This is the big one. Life has a nasty habit of getting in the way. In the general bustle of adulting, we often find ourselves feeling less than 100%. Instead of setting unreasonable expectations, design your protocol with this in mind. Really think about how your protocol will actually fit into your life as it looks right now, not an aspirational version of how you would like things to be.
Make it a part of life!
This is the final hurdle – you can have a protocol which is simple, easy to execute, and life proof, but all of that doesn’t matter if you don’t remember to do it. So make it a part of life!
I would strongly recommend linking the start of the protocol to something which happens anyway – getting home, taking a bath, going to bed, mealtimes. That way, you don’t have to think about finding a separate time for it – the protocol becomes embedded within your daily routine and enforces the dynamic, with minimal work.
So, to sum up, protocols should be designed around your specific connection – focus on how you can connect with your feelings, needs and your dynamic. They should be specific, simple, adaptable to your everyday life, and integrated into your routine to use as little mental capacity as possible.
Here are some of our protocols:
He is required to cook all meals and clean up afterwards unless otherwise instructed.
He is required to serve me tea daily. I want it served formally, with enthusiasm, and correct etiquette.
He is required to serve all meals to me, and clear the plate when I am finished eating. He will pay attention to when my beverage may need refilling.
He is required to shop for food, track food usage, and keep the kitchen stocked.
He is required to keep the entire house clean to my expectations. (dusting and vacuuming)
He is required to make my bed as soon as practical.
He is required to do the laundry and handwash, iron, fold, and put it all away, as soon as practical.
He is required to take my cell phone from my purse and put it on the charger, and then put it back in my purse, turned on, in the morning.
He is required to open the windows, blinds and shades in the morning.
He is required to have my slippers next to the bed when I wake up.
He is required to brush my hair when asked.
He is required to turn down my bed at night.
He is required to ask me what clothing I would like laid out when I wake up.
He is required to prepare my baths or run the water for my showers. When he is directed, I will tell him to “wait in service” on his knees, facing a wall at the entrance to the bathroom, both his hands on his thighs, and he is forbidden to speak. This is one of my favorite protocols! This is my time. I don’t want to see or hear him unless he is needed. I once beat him for breathing too loud, so I take my baths seriously! I will sit and relax in the bath reading a book or perusing Instagram for 45 minutes. A simple, “bring me the toenail clippers,” and he will retrieve them, bring them to me and get back on his knees, out of my sight. I’m still amazed at the headspace this creates. He is highly aroused and bored out of his mind at the same time! I highly recommend you try this!
He is required to pick up my shoes from the front doorway and carry them to my closet. He needs to ensure they are always clean.
He is required to put away my clothes, including taking my coat from me as soon as I enter the house.
He is required to wash and fuel my car weekly.
He is required to get my approval on his meal selection when we are dining out together.
He is required to clean the litter box daily.
He is required, before he gets into bed at night, to kneel, on my side of the bed and ask me, if there is anything I would like to discuss.
Protocols are revolving and change as situations dictate. Figure out what works for the two of you. Most of all, protocols should be enhancing your dynamic. Protocols should be putting submissives in a proper head space and they should be enhancing the Dommes authority, increasing her pleasure, and making her overall life easier.
But Jen, What If I like To Cook Sometimes?
I’m not a fan of cooking, but I love to bake! A local charity in town has a little “outside coffee shop” they operated at the soccer fields our kids played at. Every Friday, I would bake several Banana and Cherry Loafs for them to sell. Afterwards, the kitchen would look like a toddler had a “flour party” and the dishes would be stacked to the ceiling. I don’t clean while I go. It’s an absolute mess! I may not be an excellent pastry chef, but one thing I’m very good at, is leaving a huge mess for my husband to clean up. Make your Female Led Relationship fit your life!
Different Levels of Protocol– High, Medium, and Low
So what is high protocol? And what about the other levels? Well, many Female Led Relationship have agreed ‘levels’ of protocol. So far, everything you read about in my blog would be considered medium protocol. Its sustainable and fits most settings.
High protocol – strict etiquette, generally reserved for high protocol kink events or other limited time periods (i.e. The kids are away for the weekend at Grandmas house and the two of you are having an adult weekend). These rules will generally be very restrictive and emphasize the submissives place, however similarly set expectations of the dominant to behave accordingly.
Medium protocol – most dynamics will have something midway between high and low protocol. This may just refer to how they conduct their dynamic on a daily basis.
Low protocol – this refers to the most casual form of protocol. For some people, this might mean, no protocol at all, whereas others may have ‘vanilla safe’ pre-agreed protocols in place.
High protocol, low protocol…. Why are there levels?
It’s basically the same principle which applies to all other behavior – using your fingers is fine for that sticky rice at home, but might raise some eyebrows at an upscale restaurant. Having the protocol adapt to different situations allows for the dynamic to be expressed in a variety of settings, while remaining context appropriate and feasible.
What is the difference between high protocol and medium protocol?
As great as high protocol sounds in a fantasy, it is just not feasible to maintain in everyday life. Most of us have responsibilities and lives and things to do. It’s just not feasible to maintain as a standard of behavior for either dominant or submissive. And here is the thing – protocol should give expression to a Female Led Relationship, not feel like a chore for both sides.
So, medium protocol offers a happy middle ground between something so rigid that it takes more effort than you have energy for on your average Thursday and something so covert, it wouldn’t be noticeable to a vanilla person in plain sight.
Low Protocol.
We have a protocol in place that requires me to approve all his meals when we eat out together. Basically, It’s because I want to sample different things on the menu and he will end up ordering what I want. But sometimes, Its not appropriate for me to just come out and tell him, “you are eating the salmon and not the filet.”
Let me give you an example.
My husband and I were out with a group of friends last month. When we sat down to order, my husband was studying the menu and says to me, ‘I think I’ll have the filet.’
I glanced over and said, ‘didn’t you have that last time?’
That’s a good point, he said.
I told him, “The salmon looks like something you might enjoy.’
He replied, “your right, that looks great.”
He just asked permission to order the filet and it was denied, without any stray ears being any wiser. In a Female Led Relationship the Domme has the power to decide what the submissive orders. This protocol ensures that she has the opportunity to exercise that power.
Now Lets Transition From Salmon To Orgasms!
How often should you allow your submissive to have an orgasm?
The easy answer is, AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE.
(Yes, this is my husbands penis and it looks like this pretty much every day of the year)
My rule of thumb is, “around three weeks”. I would take a guess that most experienced Dommes would agree that there isn’t a reason for any man to have orgasms more frequently than that. Most men start bouncing off the walls around the seven day mark and start dry humping pillows at the ten day mark.
The reason I said, “around three weeks” is, I NEVER have a set schedule. Part of the fun is, I never keep track of how long its been! I will ask my husband and he will reply, Its been, 17 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes and 8 seconds! He knows precisely how long its been. We have a rule in place that he is required to tell me, on the evening of the 21st day, that its been three weeks since his last orgasm.
This is just so I am made aware of how long its been, BUT I am under NO obligation to address it. The rule also states he needs to notify me every week thereafter. Most of the time I will permit him an orgasm sometime after the three week mark, but there are plenty of months he has been extended to six weeks and once, I made him wait nine weeks. The most important thing about orgasm control is that you are completely UNPREDICTABLE. Never set a schedule! His brain will go bonkers because he will have no idea if today is the day!
This doesn’t mean you’re not going to have sexual activities together. Honestly, the two of you will probably end up being intimate more than you ever had before. The difference is, his orgasm will RARELY be part of it.
Take your time with Orgasm Denial. If you are just starting and you have a husband who masturbates once a day, dial him back to once every three or four days. A couple weeks later, move it to once a week. After he gets adjusted to once a week, push it back to ten days, then two weeks, then three and then four. By the time he has worked up to a month, his body will be better adjusted to the shock to his system. Once he can consistently handle a month, he can go longer without an issue.
Remember ladies, THERE IS NO REASON your man should be having more than one orgasm, every three weeks! Otherwise you are doing yourself a disservice.
Be prepared, if you haven’t been around a man who doesn’t get to orgasm frequently, you are in for a little surprise (take a look at my husband’s penis above). They will CONSTANTLY be dripping semen EVERYWHERE. I mean EVERYWHERE. On your sheets, on their pants, on the toilet seat. This is the body’s way of slowly getting rid of excess semen. A constantly leaking penis and Female Led Relationships go to together like ice cream and apple pie. (if you not having ice cream with apple pie you’re missing out!) The great part of a constantly leaking penis is, it does nothing for their level of horniness! In the FLR 301 lesson I will talk about how you can deal with his messes!
Chastity
Most people believe that a chastity cage prevents men from having orgasms. THIS IS NOT TRUE. All chastity devices are designed to trap the ball sac. All a man has to do, when flaccid, is pull his penis out the back of the tube. He still wont be able to get the device off without a key, but he would be able to play with his penis.
The only way to prevent this is by having the submissive get a Prince Albert piercing. I’m friends with two Dommes who had their submissives pierced for this reason (I’ve been told the pain is comparable to getting you nipples or tongue pierced). It will prevent the penis from being pulled out. I haven’t taken this step in our journey, but if you are interested in learning more, I encourage you to subscribe to my friends Twitter (free) and OnlyFans (paid) channel.
https://twitter.com/MsKinkyKane
https://onlyfans.com/mskinkykane
She is a Professional Mistress who has been married to her husband for the last seven years. They document their journey very well on their pages. They live the most intense FLR relationship of anyone I personally know. Her submissive is locked in a chastity device 24/7, with a Prince Albert piercing. She permits him to orgasm monthly, with a vibrator, so he doesn’t need to come out of the device. It just goes to show that a denied man can cum easily in chastity, without needing to be unlocked.
There are tens of thousands of articles relating to chastity devices on the web so I’m not going to spend a great deal of time discussing it. The reason Dommes love chastity so much is that it’s a tremendous sign of ownership and enhances the FLR dynamic. All submissive men fantasize about chastity because its hot! The fantasy starts to wane off in about 72 hours when they realize just how FRUSTRATING wearing one becomes. This is when the real Female Domination begins.
My husband has tried every trick in the book to get me to unlock him. “Its uncomfortable working out,” “I have to go through security,” “it pinches.” BLAH BLAH BLAH! In the last 15 years, I would guess my husband has spent less than 300 days unlocked. This is one of the best examples of, “be careful what you wish for.”
I’m part of a local group of dominant woman in Seattle (more on this later) and we have discussed this topic at length. Submissives often love the fantasy but don’t love the reality of having their most valued asset under lock and key, and it takes them some time to adjust. I love it and have to admit, it’s a power rush for me. Many Dommes, myself included, consider it a deal breaker in a Female Led Relationship. He has to play by my rules. The joy of these type of relationships is that he doesn’t get to “pick and choose” the rules he follows. I love the fact that his penis is ALWAYS under my control and he has to accept it, and he has to learn to deal with any frustrations it causes him. The good part for a man is, even thought they may actually dislike the reality of the device, their mind will ALWAYS cycle back to the fact that they are being made to endure it and thus, satisfy their need for denial.
As you can tell, I believe chastity is fundamental in Female Led Relationships, if you have the financial means to get a quality device. They are expensive. Not only are they expensive but the average person has to buy around 5-7 devices until they find the correct fitting and size. My recommendation is to eventually spend the money on a quality, metal, custom made device.
https://maturemetal.com/product-category/chastity-devices/
Chastity isn’t something you just start up and say “put it on.” Just like orgasm denial, there is a build up time until it can be worn full time.
My first Femdom mentor gave me the greatest advice on how to start a submissive with chastity, and it was simple and easy for me! Here is what she told me and it worked great when I started out years ago.
First you need to inform him that YOU WANT to have him locked up and HE needs to figure out how to wear it!
Then tell him he has four months to find a device that fits comfortably.
During the four months he can buy different devices, put it on and take it off as he sees fit, but he needs to be working on his time endurance.
This is enough time to work out all the “bugs,” such as ring size and spacers.
At the end of the four months he should be able to wear the device full time.
Have your submissive order a new key and you open the package yourself. Now you control when it goes on and off.
The chastity device it the best male behavior modification tool ever made. Recently I stumbled across a fellow Domme’s website where she has a tutorial where she describes her six week method on how to build up tolerance to full time wear. It’s a very detailed and interesting read for those starting out in chastity. Here is the link:
Here is another blog that has a tutorial to properly measure for a chastity device.
https://kinky-world.net/how-to-measure-for-a-chastity-cage/
The last thing I want to share with you about chastity is a blog called “Denying Thumper.” “Thumper” and “Belle” have been in a Female Led Relationship for 20 years. They originally started down this path when their sex life went stagnant. They have been blogging about it since 2013 and the page literally has thousands of posts. Direct your submissive to this blog when he starts whining about all the reasons, “he should come out.” “Thumper” and “Belle” have pretty much covered everything imaginable regarding long term chastity.
PRO TIP: “Thumper” was the person who taught me that TSA screenings wasn’t an excuse to get out of chastity, as long as you have TSA PRE since you don’t have to go through the body scanner! The metal in the lock doesn’t set off the metal detector. Its the same as a zipper. Use a plastic device, with an integrated lock and problem solved! The device he normally wears is metal, so I do allow this to switch cages when we travel. Another tip he taught me was to have your submissive go into a private restroom after passing security and place it back on, while on Facetime so you can verify. Problem solved! Enjoy your work trip baby!
Three separate keys around my neck to the three different chastity cages he wears.
Denial and Humiliation
The Bedrock of all Female Led Relationships.
If you talk to any Professional Dominatrix, they will tell you submissive men crave both denial and humiliation. Personally, I cant think of any Female Led Relationship or pro scene that doesn’t involve these elements.
As a Psychologist it makes perfect since to me, but I can see how others many be taken back. The “Denial” element is easy to examine so lets discuss it at length. You want what you can’t have! Go on a carb free diet for a couple of months and then tell me how bad you want an Olive Garden breadstick.
Fun fact, men get an erection twice as fast from a thought than they do from an image. Sex is in the mind. Keep this in mind when you think about orgasm denial. When a Domme controls and denies a man’s orgasm, the buildup gets more and more intense as time goes on. The longer this occurs causes an increase to his Dopamine hormones and it will “drive him crazy.” His mind will revert to the knowledge of how good an orgasm feels and how bad he wants one.
This is where submissive men get caught in a complex “hamster wheel”. Submissive men crave control. They will want an orgasm VERY badly but they want the control just as bad. Eventually they will get to the point where they want the orgasm MORE than they want the control, and then start begging you to cum. (I will talk about how I solved this problem in FLR 301)
This is the point where submissive’s are hardwired to “endure” the frustration and are caught on the “hamster wheel.” This is the part I love. The denial causes him to become more aroused when his brain processes the frustrating situation. He so badly wants, what I won’t allow him, an orgasm. I have driven him to the point where he started crying. Just in case you are curious, no I didn’t give in. This is where real power and control come into play.
Another example of denial is, he isn’t allowed to have Penis in Vagina (PIV) sex with me anymore. He knows how good it feels and the games his mind plays are delicious. He is CONSTANTLY aroused and turned on by what he isn’t allowed to have. It’s the ultimate denial.
Another example of denial I impose on my husband is, he isn’t allowed to have an orgasm in bed. NEVER! When he is allowed to come, it’s always standing, kneeling or laying on the cold bathroom floor. It completely reduces the intensity of the orgasm. If you ask him, this is the worst rule I have, BUT he also admits that he will think about this whenever he is trying to come. He really has a love/hate relationship with it because immediately after an orgasm he realized that he was denied the great effects associated with it.
Valentines Day party we attended in 2023 for our Seattle Femdom group.
Humiliation
Submissive men crave humiliation in a Female Led Relationship for several psychological, emotional, and erotic reasons. These desires often stem from deep-seated needs related to control, vulnerability, and identity. Here are some of the key factors that contribute:
Erotic Power Exchange
Humiliation in femdom is often tied to eroticizing powerlessness. Many men find arousal in giving up control to a dominant woman, and humiliation amplifies that dynamic. It reinforces their submissive role and can create a powerful emotional and physical response.
Catharsis and Emotional Release
For some men, especially those in high-powered or traditionally “masculine” roles, humiliation can be a safe way to let go of societal expectations. It allows them to escape pressure, express vulnerability, and experience a deep release of tension.
Taboo and Transgression
Humiliation often involves taboo-breaking, such as being made to feel weak, exposed, or feminized. The taboo nature of the act itself is intensely arousing. Transgressing norms adds psychological intensity to the experience.
Affirmation Through Degradation
Ironically, being humiliated can sometimes feel like a form of intimate attention. In play, humiliation is carefully tailored—meaning the dominant partner takes the time to know what affects the submissive deeply. This paradoxically makes the humiliation feel personal, and in a twisted way, affirming.
Psychosexual Wiring
Pretty much every submissive man is wired to eroticize shame, embarrassment, or inferiority. This can be due to early sexual experiences, personality traits, or psychological conditioning that causes humiliation to trigger pleasure or arousal.
Desire for Total Surrender
Humiliation is a form of ultimate surrender. It strips away ego, pride, and resistance. For many submissive men, this level of surrender to a powerful woman is the pinnacle of trust and devotion.
Submissives will have hundreds of different triggers as to what they find humiliating. I’m going to give you, “just a few” of my personal favorite examples of how I use humiliation in our house, because I believe these are universal with all submissive men.
1. When I’m masturbating my husband, I tell him about other men I’ve slept with and my past boyfriends, who I still fantasize about sleeping with. I also tell him how I know they would last longer than the 60 seconds he does. I also tell him the truth that he’s never fucked me good, even when he was allowed to fuck me.
This triggers verbal humiliation, inferiority and denial psychological reactions. Being honest with him and telling him about other men I’ve been with, and those men were better at fucking me than he is. This will trigger a humiliation and inferiority reaction that submissive men psychologically crave. I could go deeper into this but there is a science behind it. The fact that he is denied access to my vagina triggers a denial reaction. He will always get more aroused while I’m masturbating him and telling him these things! Don’t believe me, try it on your own man and see what happens.
Remember what I told you about you needing to know the playbook to his mind. I’m only giving you examples that I am convinced are safe to play with that I know will cause arousal in your submissive. If you struggle with “Dirty Talk” I recommend reading the following blog from the, “Bad Girls Bible.”
https://badgirlsbible.com/wild-dirty-talk-1
2. My husband has his own panties, bras, stockings and a teddy. Honestly, I think he may have more panties than I do! Making you submissive wear panties is the easiest and quickest way to target the humiliation trigger. My husband is so ashamed to admit it to me, but he loves wearing them. It’s cute, because he still gets embarrassed putting them on in front of me after all these years. Knowing how easy it is to humiliate him this way, I had him get rid of all his boxers and he’s only allowed to wear panties. Remember what I said about “scenes.” I’m starting EVERYDAY with a scene. He wearing a constant reminder of his “status in our relationship” and he gets to worry about his panty lines all day.
When we first started, I let him keep some boxers, because it was always one excuse after another about why he needed to wear them. “Doctors appointments” or “changing in the gym” yada yada yada. Remember, the Female Led Relationship is based on control. Taking away his options hits the denial trigger. He has exclusively worn panties for about ten years and he’s had no choice but to figure it out. I mean, for fucks sake, he has to wear a chastity device to the gym, so I think the panties are the least of his concerns. I should mention he has found the best ways to adapt, like changing clothes with a towel wrapped around him and buying some of the plainest white panties ever made. The great part about this is it reinforces the fact that these are his problem to work out. Deep down, all submissive men want you to be FIRM. I’m firm and made a decision, and he recognizes that he better find a way to make it work. He runs the risk of pissing me off, and I will make him wear fluorescent pink panties, with low cut shorts and a tube top!
Sometimes I will tell him I only want him wearing a teddy around the house, or only a bra and panties and I make him wear my MAC Ruby Woo “whore” red lipstick. We’ve been doing this for damn near three decades and HE IS STILL EMBARRASED by it! So I typically mess with him more and tell him he looks silly in a bra and lipstick. Remember, I told you that most of Femdom is easy. I told him to get rid of his boxers years ago and have been creating scenes everyday by doing absolutely nothing. The key to this is the “rules are the rules.” He has to obey and there isn’t an “on and off” switch to our Female Led Relationship.
I think I’m going to buy him inserts because he‘s found a system to perfectly to hide his bra straps!
3. My husband is REQUIRED to lick up his cum, EVERYTIME he is allowed to cum. If you took a poll of 1,000 Dommes, this will be the one rule that is unanimous in every Female Led Relationship. It does wonders to the brain of a submissive at the worst possible time. (for them!)
Semen doesn’t taste real good. Trust me I know, I’ve given my shares of blow jobs and learned real quickly that I wasn’t a fan of swallowing. I will tell you my husband can write a book on semen taste and consistency. How strict am I on this rule you ask? Very! My husband had a vasectomy in 2013. He had to masturbate constantly for the month afterwards. (let’s just say I wasn’t a fan of all those orgasms) The first time he came after the vasectomy, I didn’t make him lick it up and obviously the one he shot into the specimen container to check for “swimmers” went to the lab. Outside of those two incidents, he has consumed every drop of cum that has come out of him over the last twenty years. Why, because it is absolutely humiliating and gross to him after he orgasms. There is no better psychological trigger for a submissive man than making him consume semen. If you don’t implement anything I talk about in this blog, implement this one rule and make this a staple of every orgasm. During his “post orgasm clarity” this is going to be very difficult for him. Don’t let him miss a single drop.
As you can probably tell by now, I like to fuck with his mind and often make comments like, “wow, what if your friends could see you licking up all your cum for me, like a good little slut.” I’m always planting seeds in his mind. There isn’t a quicker way for him to “snap back into submissiveness” after an orgasm. Again, Female Domination isn’t hard work, its mental. The critical part is that you enforce the rules you set.
Any guess what’s in his shot glass? This was old CB-2000 device from YEARS ago when we were newbies. He drinks a lot of cum!
Need more ideas? Simply Google BDSM Humiliation Ideas. There are hundreds of websites with thousands of ideas. Below is just one of the random ones I found. Keep in mind a lot of what you will find is “Fantasy Wank Fodder,” and doesn’t happen in real life. You have to read through a lot of crap, but there are some good nuggets of information out there.
WOW THIS RELATIONSHIP IS SO UNFAIR!
You might be thinking, isn’t this arrangement a bit one-sided? The answer is both yes and no. On the surface, the roles may not seem “fair” because your needs and satisfaction take priority. However, it’s your responsibility to ensure that his quality of life improves alongside yours. This arrangement benefits both partners equally — just in different ways.
Embracing a Female Led Relationship means letting go of the need for fairness. Fairness isn’t the goal here — an extraordinary, fulfilling, and loving marriage is. For centuries, men have enjoyed a similar imbalance, and now the roles are simply reversed. For many women, especially those new to Female Led Relationships, this shift can feel uncomfortable at first. The notion of being “selfish” or leaning into the perceived unfairness takes time to embrace.
Some women, especially those who are naturally strong and assertive, may take to this dynamic quickly. But for most, it’s a journey — and that’s perfectly okay. Many women initially balk at the thought of being in charge or having more privilege in a relationship. The instinctive reaction is often to feel like it’s wrong or unhealthy, especially in the context of a marriage. In my opinion, this comes, in part, from the patriarchal conditioning we’ve all experienced to some degree. But here’s what’s important to remember: Female Led Relationships just don’t manifest unless there’s a strong, capable woman at the helm. The seed from which they spring to life, simply never gets planted unless there is a man behind you who recognizes these amazing qualities you possess.
So, I invite you to shift your perspective: it’s not only healthy to have a marriage like this — it’s beneficial. It’s okay to have complementary roles and, yes, even inequity, as long as it’s consensual and rooted in mutual respect.
Don’t be hard on yourself if it takes time to embrace this dynamic. It may take months of reassurance and practice to fully shed any lingering guilt. Remind yourself often: your husband knows this arrangement is inherently “unfair,” yet he still wants it. In fact, the imbalance is a source of fulfillment for him. If he’s not fully on board, or having reservations about this lifestyle, trust me you’ll know about it.
So, give yourself the grace to adjust. Once you grow comfortable in this role, you’ll come to realize just how deserving you are of this privileged position in your marriage. As the dynamic naturally evolves and your sense of entitlement deepens, you will discover that your husband’s happiness grows in tandem with the increasingly one-sided nature of your marriage. The imbalance you once worried about may turn out to be one of the most enjoyable aspects of your Female Led Relationship — for both of you.
This Quick Commercial Break is Sponsored by Advil:
As you continue to read this blog, I want you to remember when I told you, this shouldn’t be hard work for you. The “work” you put in is 90% mental. Half the part of being an effective Domme is your delivery and choice of words. It wouldn’t be fun for you, if being a Domme caused you to be tired and, “always working.” On average, I hold a paddle, whip or cane for about 15 minutes a week. The other 10,065 minutes, I lead him with my delivery and choice of words and instructions I give him. I can easily, “Domme Him” in a three sentence text message, just as effectively as if he was kneeling in front of me.
(This is the reason they’re thousands of “Online Dommes” making a fortune, it’s all mental! I think I’m going to be an online Domme when I retire!)
How Do Punishments Work?
I could write a thesis on punishment and discipline, but I’m going to simplify it and stick to the nuts and bolts for my blog. Punishment plays a major part in everyone’s personal and professional lives. If you show up to work late everyday, you are going to be written up. If your daughter gets caught cheating, she is going to go to detention after school. If your neighbor gets arrested for driving while intoxicated, he is going to jail. Your girlfriend gives her husband the “silent treatment” because she is upset with her husband. Punishment is nothing new.
When your husband goes to work, he is required to follow preset rules and organizational structure. He must park where his boss tells him, he has to take his lunch when his boss tells him, he has to be at work when his boss tells him, and he has to have his assignments completed when his boss tells him. If he doesn’t do what his boss tells him, he will face a punishment to correct the behavior. When he behaves well, his boss rewards him with pay and recognition and a positive performance appraisal.
In a Female Led Relationship, the two of you are simply formalizing and acknowledging, that you are his boss. Just remember, you are not the “cool boss” who lets everyone get away with shit.
You can set time limits, restrictions, and demand that he does the things you want. You will conduct your own reviews of his performance. He may not agree and might not like some of your rules and decisions (insert shoulder shrug right here). Would your husband walk into the CEO’s office at his job and tell her that he doesn’t agree with her decision? No, because it’s not allowed and it’s not appropriate. Female Led Relationships cement these rules and structures and establish a clear hierarchy in your relationship.
This is why Female Led Relationships work so well. There is no ambiguity in each other’s role. You are the absolute final authority in his life. Think about the difference with the following two scenarios:
“Amy and James’ typical marriage” (I made this part up but it’s rather common in relationships)
September 1st
Amy: James, where are you? I thought you were coming home after work.
James: I decided to go out with the boys for some beers. I’ll be home soon.
Amy: James, you said you would be home soon? It’s been three hours! Ugh!
James: I’m leaving soon. (soon ends up being another hour)
Amy: Oh, you’re finally home, dinner was ready three hours ago but I put it in the fridge.
James: Thanks, but I ate at the bar. I’m going to watch the Laker’s game and then go to bed.
Amy: Gets in bed irritated and reads her book.
My Female Led Relationship: The below details are REAL LIFE and the exact scenario happened in our house last Fall. (I made up the dates because I don’t remember them, and changed the names for obvious reasons )
September 1st
Robbie: Sweetheart, Joey, Alex and Chad invited me to go to “The Bee Hive Sports Bar” on Main and University Street after work for a few drinks. Can I go with them?
Me: You already know I like to have more notice for things like this. Maybe you can go next week if it’s better planned.
Robbie: Thank you, Sweetheart. I will text you as soon as I’m off work to see if you need me to pick up anything on my way home from work.
September 7th
Robbie: Sweetheart, tomorrow after work Joey, Alex and Chad are going to the “The Bee Hive Sports Bar” on Main and University Street after work for a few drinks. Can I go with them? I can meal prep dinner for you so it is already ready.
Me: Meal prepping dinner is a great idea. Yes you can go, but I want you home by 6pm and we will eat dinner together. You are allowed to have two beers.
Robbie: Thank you, I was thinking I will make baked mahi mahi, broccoli and rice-a-roni.
Me: I want salmon instead.
Robbie: Great, I will prep salmon, broccoli and rice-a-roni as I’m making dinner tonight.
September 8th
Robbie: Just checking in to see if its still ok for me to go out for beers after work.
Me: Yes, See you at 6pm
Robbie: Thank you. I will call you when I am on my way home.
Robbie: (5:40pm) Sweetheart, I’m on my way home now. Do you need me to get you anything on my way?
Me: No thank you.
Robbie: (5:50pm) Sweetheart, traffic is way heavier than I expected. I will be home around 6:15pm.
Me: ok
Robbie: (walks into house at 6:13pm) Sorry I’m late Sweetheart. Let me start getting dinner ready.
Me: No worries, we can talk about it later. I would like a glass of wine before you start making dinner and tell me how your day was.
(fast forward to 10pm)
Robbie, during his nightly protocol of kneeling on the floor next to the bed, asks me if there is anything I would like to discuss.
Me: Why were you late?
Robbie: It was rush hour traffic and I didn’t realize how long it was going to take.
Me: So that’s your excuse?
Robbie: Sorry, I probably didn’t plan well enough and should have left the bar earlier.
Me: How long were you are the bar?
Robbie: Around an hour and a half.
(before I tell you the next part, keep in mind I’ve learned over the years that I get sexually turned on by causing my husband pain, and I love punishing him)
Me: (I reach over and grab a quarter from a drawer inside my nightstand and set it next to my alarm clock) Robbie, I want you to get in bed and go down on me. After I have an orgasm you can kiss me goodnight and immediately go stand in the corner. You are going to keep the quarter pressed against the wall with your nose for 90 mins (the same amount of time you were at the bar). If it drops, you start the time over. Use your phone’s timer and set it for 91 mins (91 minutes because it takes him a little time to get into position).
If you’re curious to know how bad this punishment sucks, try it! It’s quite literally mind numbing. He’s been up all day, he’s tired, it’s dark in the room and he wants to go to sleep, but now, he must keep focused and use all his energy to keep the quarter on the wall. Knowing all this, I’m going to be thinking about it the entire time he is going down on me and it will cause me to have an earth-shattering orgasm! As I roll over and go into a deep sleep, he gets to begin his punishment! He knows better than to get into bed before his time is completed.
I’m literally getting turned on as I type this because my mind is replaying the activities from that night.
Punishment doesn’t have to be painful. In fact, most of my favorite punishments are the ones that challenge him mentally and require minimal effort on my part.
Here are some of my non- physical disciplines:
Corner time / time-out
Pressing coins to wall with fingers / nose
Writing lines
Forced Exercise
There’s a reason these have been kicking about for such a long time – namely, they’re easy to inflict and really quite unpleasant. Corner time is my favorite! My husband has spent more time pressing a Quarter against the wall with his nose than he would like to think about. It’s never less than an hour and I’ve made him stand there for five hours, several times. Time goes by really slow for him, but it’s effective. Want to make it worse? Make him hold pennies against the wall with his fingers at the same time. It’s harder than you think.
Some of my others staple punishments are:
Taking away his limited free time.
Cold showers.
Unpleasant Stew. (my mentor taught me this and it quickly became one of my favorites). Look inside your fridge and grab all the leftovers. It doesn’t really matter what it is, fruit, chicken, breadsticks, whatever, but add in some vegetables. Make HIM cut it all up, then grab a can of red beans and have mix it all up and make him eat it COLD. I tell him to sit there and finish it all in 30 minutes OR ELSE (he’s never not finished it, so we haven’t had to go to the next step). There is a reason people say, revenge is best served cold. Watching him eat it I often think, he would rather me beat him with my cane! It’s an easy and VERY effective punishment. I haven’t heard a peep from my husband in decades about what food he, “doesn’t like.” Your husband’s not a fan of Brussel Sprouts? We can change that real quick.
Punishment Panties. He has a couple of thongs that are three to four sizes too small. You can imagine how comfortable wearing these are. He was getting a little irritable packing up before we went on a trip. I had him change into one of his “punishment panties” for the day. We had a four hour flight and he was beyond uncomfortable, especially since he was wearing his chastity cage. It was hilarious watching him squirm the whole flight.
Painful Punishments.
Spanking:
Includes any spanking, paddling, caning, or another impact tool. If you don’t have a tool, you should go into your kitchen and find one, but as a last resort you can use your hand to spank or slap your submissive. An effective way to discipline includes having your submissive count out the spankings which becomes more difficult as you increase the intensity.
WARNING: Before you spank your husband with instruments you need to know the basics about anatomy. I recommend you take a workshop on how to do it properly. At the minimum, read the following guide:
https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-spank-your-husband
Whips and flogs are made out of many different types of materials. Cotton and nylon are not uncommon today and rubber is also used for some types of whips and flogs. Leather is the most common form of material for both, and dates back to pre-history. My recommendation is to have a variety of them. Some hurt more than others!
I have accumulated over a dozen spanking instruments but the one implement that I think you need to ensure you have is a cane! In a real live, Female Led Relationship you MUST have an implement that he fears. A cane is that instrument. Getting hit with a cane HURTS! When my husband displeases me and I tell him to fetch my cane, there is an INSTANT fear and IMMEDIATE attitude adjustment. He HATES it, and that’s the reason I love it so much.
The last time I used it was when I backed into one of those yellow poles in a grocery store parking lot. I wasn’t happy that I damaged my car and then, my “very intelligent” husband made a smart ass comment. He said, I “needed to be more careful when backing up.” I told him that he needed to be more careful with his comments, and to go grab the cane from the closet. He instantly looked like he swallowed his tongue and he quickly retrieved my cane. His ass had welts and was bruised for a full week, and oddly my mood immediately brightened up.
I took this after the yellow parking pole comment. Not only did I brighten his ass, but I brightened up my mood!
Before I share the next story, I want you to remember that I have been doing this a long time. This is not dress up roll play in the bedroom. 99% of our relationship is OUTSIDE the bedroom. We are in a VERY established Female Led RELATIONSHIP and I am not new to this. The fundamental part of our relationship is my husbands is required to obey me. He obeys me when he’s sick. He obeys me when he is tired. He obeys me at all times.
When we first started down this path my husband wanted it to be REAL and I was more than willing to take the lead. The more I gained experience and built my confidence, the more I fell in love with the dynamic. Twenty plus years later, I am extremely comfortable enforcing my rule on him. More importantly, when he does something that I think he needs to be punished for, I’m going to make him understand it wont happen again.
The most intense punishment I have ever dished out started over a ceiling fan in 2017 (our youngest just got her driver license). I wanted a new ceiling fan in our living room so we went to Home Depot and picked one out together. When we got home, I realized how big and heavy the fan was. I told him that I wanted him to hire a handyman to get it hung up, because it was too big and heavy.
The following day, I came home from work and he was all happy and said, “follow me”. He walks me into the living room with a smile on his face to show me the new ceiling fan he installed. “Proudly”, he explained that he balanced the fan between two ladders while he stood on a stool from the kitchen so he could reach the ceiling! (THIS IS WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN)
My tone instantly changed and I looked at him and asked, “Did you hear me when I told you to hire someone?” We’ve been in our Female Led Relationship long enough that he knew where this was heading. He simply replied, “yes.” Then I asked, “so you made a decision to ignore what I told you to do?” (there is only one way he could answer this question). Yes. I was pissed because he could have been seriously hurt and I specifically told him not to do it, plus I was “PMSing”. This wasn’t just, “him forgetting.” I was aware he thought he was being helpful, but he knew, “WHAT I TOLD HIM”, and he decided that he could do it himself. Lets just say he had a real bad, lapse in judgement.
Remember earlier when I said this isn’t role play for us. He wasn’t going to like the repercussions of his decision. I told him to go into the bedroom, close the door and get “into position” and wait. I went and changed from my work clothes and walked into the living room to unwind. Our youngest was due home soon, so I waited for her. When she got home she was with her boyfriend and the three of us talked for a while. I asked her if she and “Aaron” would like to go out to Chili’s for dinner “on me”, so her dad and I, could have a private talk about finances. The two of them couldn’t have been out the door fast enough.
After they left, I walked into the bedroom where he was patiently waiting for the last 90 minutes. (Anticipation is a wonderful tool , he had a long time to think about what was coming) I told him our daughter and “Aaron” left the house to go to Chili’s and he needed to go get my cane from the closet. He quickly retrieved it and got back into position. No warmup, and I cant tell you how many strikes later it was, but he was damn near hyperventilating and had tears running down his cheeks. He had welts and bruises that lasted10 days. He doesn’t have to worry about it being “real.”
When I was finished, I told him to go drink some water to calm down and come back to me. When he got back, I handed him a quarter and told him to hold it on the wall with his nose. I told him to knock on the wall if he needed to use the bathroom, but I would be adding 30 minutes of time for every bathroom break. I turned off the lights, closed the door and went downstairs to watch TV. That was at 6pm. I ordered Chinese food, watched three episodes of Game of Thrones and walked back into the bedroom at around 9:30pm. I went into the bathroom and spent 20 more minutes getting ready for bed, then I got into bed and played on my phone for another 30 mins.
Around 10:30 ish, I set my phone down, snapped my fingers and said come here! (the dog training done wonders for my Domme skills). He knelt next to me and I asked him if he had something to tell me. He apologized, said he was sorry, and also apologized that, “he forced me to have to punish him.” I told him all was forgiven and he could get ready for bed. He then asked if he could go downstairs and eat dinner and I said no! That was the end of the discussion.
If you’re curious how difficult a punishment that was, try kneeling on your knees with your forehead on the floor for 90 minutes. When that’s done, stand against the wall holding up a quarter, for four hours in the dark. Time moves slowly and It’s just him and his thoughts, as life was going on normally downstairs. There is a reason solitary confinement is considered a severe punishment. Add in the most painful caning he has ever had in his life and I am rather confident he will listen to me. That was in 2017 and history hasn’t had to repeat itself. Best of all, the only “work” I put in, was about six minutes of me caning his ass. (it’s become a stress reliever to me)
I told you, I took to the Female Led Relationship dynamic like a fish to water. Add in my psychology background and I think I’m pretty damn good! Once women embrace it there is no turning back.
Nipple Clamps as Punishment
A quick and easy tool and it’s a must have. Have him get on his knees naked and place some clamps on the head of the penis and his nipples. You will think your husband is instructing a Lamaze class as he works on his breathing while they’re on him. The fun part is, its just as painful when you remove them and the blood flow returns. If I’m being honest, I think this belongs more in the Funishment category. It hurts but I can think of several, more effective ways to cause more pain.
The final punishment I want to discuss is, a simple lecture.
There is no hiding my husbands place in our relationship when he is sitting on the floor naked, while I lecture him, about the things I want to see improved. I don’t know if it will ever becomes comfortable for him, but I do know it does wonders in his mind.
Last week was a perfect example of this. If you remember in the protocol section I explained why protocols are so important. They are designed to mentally put him in a submissive headspace and inherently they increase my level of dominance and thus enhances our Female Led Relationship. Remember, protocols are designed to make Female Led Relationships easy to maintain, because they basically operate on autopilot.
I told you how he is required to serve me tea every morning. I also said, I demand correct etiquette while he serves it. He’d been busy with a work assignment and had a lot going on, so he rushed while providing his tea service to me.
On Monday, he brought my tea to me while talking on the phone, set it down and continued on his phone call. The napkin was just set “anywhere” and the handle was facing away from me. He never asked me, “may I get you anything else?” I was literally dumbfounded! We’ve been doing this for more than 20 years! When we agreed to have a Female Led Relationship, it became perfectly acceptable for me to act like a spoiled princess. Trust me, after twenty plus years of this dynamic, I am very comfortable acting spoiled and demanding. I am the number one priority in his life.
That evening, he was kneeling next to me as I was laying in bed (remember this is another of his daily protocols) and as required, he asked me if there was anything that I wanted to discuss. I asked him if I was his priority while he was serving me tea and talking on the phone earlier this morning? I know, It’s a loaded question and he picked up on that real quick. He replied no and said he was sorry. I asked him how he should have handled it. Smartly, he said he should have told his coworker that he needed to call him back in three minutes. I told him, he was treading on thin ice, and if it happens again he will be getting my cane before he goes to work and he wont be sitting for a week.
Remember what I told you about dog training. Just like dogs will test you, submissives occasional will see what they can get away with. Don’t allow him to slack. My husband fears the cane and knows that I will blister his ass with it. Actual punishment doesn’t really happen that often. A stern talking to works wonders when a submissive fears the ramifications. He corrected his behavior, and I never had to address it any further, but I promise you, the next time it occurs, my husband will have snot coming out of his nose when I’m finished canning him. Female Led Relationships are a game changer! Did I mention that every woman should own a cane?
Maybe you are not that creative and can’t come up with ideas, don’t worry, Amazon has you covered
Don’t have time to wait for Amazon…..Google is your friend, search, “creative BDSM punishments”
Aftercare
This is all the activities that help to keep a submissive mentally, emotionally, and physically cared for after an intense scene or punishment and is an important component of a Female Led Relationship.
Aftercare can include balm or ointment for spanking and other impact play, a warm blanket, a cool drink that contains electrolytes or in my household, it typically just means cuddling in bed together.
I have hundreds of photos of my husband and I…..but none of us spooning. This is our aftercare!
Lets discuss Funishment and Maintenance Spankings?
Funishment is basically a maintenance spanking. The ‘maintenance’ part is really the important bit – the ‘spanking’ you can take or leave. Although I will use the term ‘maintenance spanking’ feel free to substitute your implement of choice. As you know by now, I am more partial to a cane, but I don’t use a cane for maintenance. I use a cane when I want to punish him and make my point clear.
So, why consider adding maintenance spanking to your dynamic?
Maintenance spanking can help circumvent the need for punishment and prevent misbehavior through fulfilling underlying needs. Obviously, it won’t eliminate the need for punishment entirely, but it can help reduce it.
The need to feel the dynamic / dominant’s authority.
This is probably one of the most common reasons that rules get pushed. Sometimes, submissives just need to feel the dynamic is more than just theoretical. That if they break the rules, there will be consequences. That their dominant actually cares about the rules they have set.
Maintenance spankings can be a good way to fulfil this need before a rule is broken to satisfy it and thus circumvent the need for punishment.
Maintaining The Connection To The Dynamic.
Sometimes, rules just don’t get prioritized because the dynamic is not at the forefront of people’s minds. It can slip somewhere behind the general hustle and bustle of life. Maintenance spanking can offer a good way for both of you to connect with the headspace, each other, and the dynamic and get back on track.
Frequency Of Maintenance Spanking.
The most common arrangement I have come across, and the one we use is a once a week session, but think about what works best for you. Spanking daily might sound great to you, but it might be that it’s just not possible to make that commitment.
I would recommend starting off with an achievable goal and then increasing it, rather than starting ambitiously and risking getting discouraged when life gets in the way. It’s fine if you start off once a month as long as you stick to it!
Intensity of maintenance spanking.
While logic might dictate that a maintenance spanking should be moderate, to distinguish it from punishment, it really depends on what you’re trying to achieve. It’s worth remembering that the unpleasant part of punishment for many submissives isn’t necessarily the physical pain, but that pain within the context of their dominant’s displeasure or disappointment.
Obviously, that’s not true for everyone – there are submissives out there for whom the physical discomfort is very much a strong motivating factor. But it’s just worth noting, maintenance spanking doesn’t have to be moderate by default.
In terms of figuring out the right intensity for you, well. Intensity is very subjective and really will only be effectively explored through trial and error. I would recommend having a ‘test’ spanking session, where you ask your sub to rate hits from 1 to 10, 5 to 60, or triangle to hexagon. Whatever makes sense to you.
Take note of whether they are aroused, how far they are in space, and how much warm up it took – bear in mind that you may have limited time for maintenance spanking, so think about how much warm-up you want to routinely include.
Some of my Funishement examples:
- I couldn’t find my blouse the other day because my husband placed it the wrong spot in my closet. I’m not going to punish him for this but I will address it during our maintenance spanking. Don’t worry, he’s going to feel some pain, but NOTHING like he would during a punishment.
- The toilet paper roll wasn’t changed and I had to change it myself. Again, I’m going to use this as a reason to spank him, but it’s not a punishment.
- We were at a restaurant eating with the family and an attractive girl walked by with enormous breasts. They were impossible to miss and she was exposing them for everyone to see (I cant blame her, If I was 22 and had those I would be doing the same thing). I noticed my husband’s eyes look at them as she walked by. I looked at him and he nervously giggles and shakes his head. Fast forward a few days later, I asked him if he should be looking at any other woman? (I know, another loaded question). Nonchalantly, I said go grab my skinny paddle and I want you to come back her and slowly describe to me what her breasts looked like. Slowly. (I told you, my rules! The relationship is unfair. I will go out dancing on a girls night and let a hot guy dry hump me on the dance floor but I will spank my husband for looking at something he couldn’t even avoid. This is why I love this relationship dynamic)
- I have a habit of walking by my husband when he’s in the middle of doing something and telling him how to do it. I know it irritates him, so its partially why I do it. Last time he responded, ” I know!” I looked at him and said, “oh you know?” “Don’t worry, your going to know.” He instantly changed his tone. Later that week he found out. This was still a Funishment, but I did bump up the intensity with a few punishment swats. I lectured him while I was doing it, and told him he needs to think before he speaks to me and I asked him if he understood. He responded with a “yes ma’am.” If this continued to happen, it would be handled as a punishment.
- I often reward my husband and let him dry hump a pillow for some pleasure (when you never get to cum, you are ecstatic when your wife allows you to dry hump a pillow for sex). After a few minutes, I will tell him to stop. He cant help himself and tries to get in a couple extra thrusts. When I give a command like stop, it means now, not 3 seconds from now. I will always address this during a maintenance spanking.
- We were getting ready to leave for a graduation party and my husband, “yelled upstairs at me,” while I was getting dressed, and asked if he needed to wrap the gift. THIS IS NOT FUNISHMENT! I will PUNISH him for this. We haven’t gotten to the part about rules yet, but I only gave you this example so you understand the difference when he breaks a written rule.
(Girls, seriously, go buy a dog training book, it’s the cheapest and easiest hidden Femdom instruction manual ever made)
I can ALWAYS find something to address for Funishment. Dust on the ceiling fan, apples he bought at the store were sour, makeup brushes not organized correctly, or my shoes were sitting by the door for too long before he picked them up. I have actually come up with reasons for Funishment while he was already in “punishment position”( we will talk about that later) just by walking around my bedroom and lifting up a picture frame and opening a drawer. The wonderful thing is, the fact that we are in a Female Led Relationship means I am always right. There isn’t an appeals process. The judge has spoken!
Funishment is a way for me to find ways to improvement my husband. Currently he has an unsatisfactory score of 99.999999999999999999999999%. I’m confident, over the next 50 years, with my guidance and discipline, he will get to 100%.
Dealing With Domme Guilt
It’s not uncommon for new Domme’s to experience some element of guilt during or after punishing their submissive. As I said above, it’s important to remember that punishment is a negotiated part of the dynamic. It serves to maintain it and the connection the dynamic is based on. You haven’t done anything wrong and you are giving a submissive what he needs!
Remind yourself of the reasons behind integrating punishment into your dynamic and its role within your Female Led Relationship.
If you find yourself really struggling with guilt or uncertainty, just go and talk to your partner. Chances are he will be happy to reassure you and, at the end of the day, it’s the only way that your feelings will actually be resolved. Remember, Its all about communication and don’t forget, HE WANTS THIS.
Time Management and Free Time
When we first started our Female Led Relationship I assumed he would get burned out and it would be just “an experiment.” WOW was I wrong. If I could bottled up, “orgasm denial as an energy pill”, I would be a gazillionaire. He is like the energizer bunny! He keeps going and going and going and going and going and going (x50). 27 years later and here we are, still going and going!
In the beginning I was worried he was spending to much time catering to my needs and being my “1950’s housewife,” that he wasn’t getting enough time to himself. Again, I was SO WRONG! If you’re curious, 1950’s housewives don’t have anything on my husband!
Submissive men get more pleasure from ironing your clothes, cleaning your toilet, vacuuming the floor and cooking your meals than they do from watching TV, playing sports or bingeing on an Xbox.
I went to a seminar on this exact topic at DomCon two years ago. (DomCon is a large Female Domination Conference, held twice a year in Los Angeles and New Orleans. It sells out every year, as 1,000’s of Dommes and Submissives attend the multi day event with workshops, lectures and events. It’s basically identical to the psychology conferences I attend to keep up on my CEU’s. Let’s just call it, CEU training for Domme’s and submissives. Check it out and I recommend attending- here’s the link: https://www.domcon.com ) Best part of all, you can have him fitted, in person, for a chastity device in the vendor salon, as all the manufactures are there)
This is a photo from the actual workshop on DomCon’s Twitter page. At any of these events, they tell everyone before they take a photo, and 90 percent of the people walk out (including us).
Anyways, there were about 100 Femdom couples in attendance for this breakout session. (The above room was packed and standing room only) The panel had several Dommes and submissives talking about how they manage their submissives free time. Basically, the theme was, in a Female Led Relationship, submissives don’t have, nor do they want, much free time.
One of the Dommes basically said, “In a typical day, if he has time to sit around by himself and watch Netflix or play on his phone, I’m going to increase my demands on him, and find more things for him to do to please me.”
The moderator (another Domme) asked all the submissives in the audience to raise their hand if they felt they had a lot of free time. A couple of them raised their hand, resulting in some raised eyebrows from their Dommes and audience laughter. She then asked the submissives in the audience, “who thinks they need or want more free time?” No one raised their hand. The next question she asked the submissives was, “would you choose to have more time to yourself, so you can “zone out and relax,” or no free time whatsoever, because your day is filled with work, chores and serving your Dommes needs?” Everyone of them chose “no free time.”
The moderator then asked the audience, “how do you know if its becoming unhealthy or creating problems?” One of the submissives raised his hand and said, “isn’t that why you have conversations between the Domme and submissive to, “check in” and make sure everything is going good?” Everyone gave him applause.
Another submissive spoke up and said, “when I get home from work and have to start the laundry, do the dishes and cook dinner, it puts me in subspace. That’s how I relax! That’s how I unwind. That’s my free time. Sitting on the sofa will just earn me a beating!” (room broke out in laughter)
Power and control are powerful aphrodisiacs. Submissives seek that control! Limiting their free time accomplishes this. If you are unsure, communicate with him during your monthly check in and see what his thoughts are.
My husband gets to relax and spend a lot of time on the couch watching TV with me. He also spends a lot of time sitting on the front porch with me. Dont get me wrong, he’s still going to be serving me while we lounge around together.
Its important to recognize that these examples are for any typical day. When my husband asks if he can go rock climbing on Saturday with his friends, I’m going to say, “go have a blast, but make sure you have my lunch prepped and all your other duties completed before you go.”
The last thing I want to say about free time deals with you! A Female Led Relationship is going to leave you with an UNBELIEVABLE amount of free time. Let’s use myself as an example, I rarely do any chores, I rarely cook anything, and if I do, I NEVER clean up after myself, I never go to the grocery store, I’ve used the washer and dryer maybe three times in the last ten years, I don’t make my bed, I don’t even know where our iron is, and I can’t think of ONE time I’ve cleaned the litter box.
My house looks like a model home; my clothes are pressed and hung in the closet and my meals are all magically prepped, just the way I like them! I spend a lot of time laying on the sofa, talking to my husband, while he’s doing the cooking and cleaning and I won’t even pick up a spoon to help him clean up. If watching my husband do chores, while I play on my phone was an Olympic sport, I would be a 18 time gold medalist.
This week I signed up for more spin classes in addition to the Pilates classes I take all week. I’m in the best shape of my life in my fifties! I have so much time to work out and I eat a very healthy diet, because I direct my husband to cook what I tell him. I still go out, every other Thursday with my old sorority sisters for drinks and dancing, while my husband is home deep cleaning the kitchen! He’s also going to wait up for me to get home, and then he’s going to massage my feet and back before I go to bed. He doesn’t get these pleasures because he thrives on the unfairness of the arrangement! Remember, this is what submissive men want!
Use all the free time he creates, for YOU to HAVE FUN and ENJOY the benefits of being in a Female Led Relationship! Work on ways to BETTER YOURSELF! You only get one life, so live it! If you want the two of you to start taking pottery classes together, guess what? You tell him to sign both of you up and tell him what day he starts. Watch two hours of Insta “reels” guilt free! I will say this, I do use a lot of my extra time sitting on the porch browsing FetLife, in order to learn new ideas and techniques to torture, deny and humiliate him, so he does get the benefit from all his hard work!
Congratulations, you have completed FLR 201. Click the below link for the next class, FLR301.
FLR 301 The Juicy Details- A Guide For Women