I can’t speak for everyone’s dynamic, or the way they see the world. But I can say this: that as a Domme, not only do I find humiliation hugely entertaining, but also, often, a deeply intimate and loving form of connection.
And yet, 20 years ago, I would not have gone anywhere near it. Because I perceived it as horrible. It looked and sounded like abuse. Like bullying. And not the fun kind.
What changed it all for me was talking to and spending time with submissives who have humiliation buttons. And reading Enough To Make You Blush by Princess Kali, a pro Domme.
So I want to address a couple of things here today.
A quirk of the American culture that at times leaves those raised in other cultures scratching their heads is the American ability to rip the shit out of their friends. It comes so naturally that few pause to consider that this is, in fact, a form of consensual humiliation play.
“I think I took the wrong turn,” says Ben as they stumble through the dark streets of New York. “Ah you dickhead,” says Rob affectionately, and they laugh together, stumbling into the light of the next street.
If you shout “dickhead” at a passing cyclist, it’s not OK. But calling your bestie a dickhead affectionately is a totally different matter.
The latter is built on a relationship of trust and love.
And I do believe that this is the missing piece in femdom humiliation porn. What we see is the humiliating act itself, not the relationship that was built up prior to that. And this is not to say that there aren’t subs out there who simply wish to be degraded without forming an affectionate connection. Nor Dommes who would happily degrade anyone. But merely that, for a lot of us, this type of play is something that builds up over time, and on a foundation of love and trust.
Trust Was Not Built In A Day
For me, engaging in humiliation play is an act of love and radical acceptance.
I will give a fictional example.
Let’s say, I meet a submissive whom I like and who enjoys humiliation. On teasing out many things about this submissive, I learn that one of his most shameful desires is to lick boots. This is something he personally finds extremely embarrassing, and I may even be the first person he has ever confessed this to. Perhaps he’s told me that he once secretly licked a pair of boots at school, and he still feels enormously guilty and ashamed of it.
“Tell me about those boots. What color and style were they?”
I learn that they were a pair of Doc Martens, belonging to a goth girl.
A scene may start to form in my head involving this, but given the deep level of shame that my submissive feels around it, it’s probably not going to be the next thing I will jump into. This is something I have to build towards, maybe over several months. Moving only at the speed that my submissive is ready for.
I might start by teasingly calling him a “boot slut” or a “shoe pervert”.
I might progress to making him kiss a pair of my boots. “Lick them,” I command, as he looks all flustered and obeys. “Good boy. I like it when you lick my boots.”
I might encourage conversation, in his presence, with others on the scene, about how much he loves boots (without mentioning licking them). “He’s such a good boot slut,” I tell them, as my Domme friends join in with approval.
First and foremost, I make sure my submissive feels safe and ready for humiliation to take place. To know that no matter how perverted he might be, that this is something I genuinely like.
The first time he licks something dirty. “I love how disgusting you are for me.”
And only when I have laid the groundwork, do I put him into a situation where he licks my dirty pair of Doc Martens while I am dressed in black and tell him “Ugh you’re so disgusting, I can’t believe you’re licking my boots like a filthy animal. Apologize!” And I know fully well how aroused he is by the situation, and how safe he feels in my total radical acceptance of his whole self.
It is in my presence that he can be that dirty animal, and that dirty animal is completely and totally in the open, and he is completely and totally loved for it.
The shame he has been carrying all his life that he is a filthy animal who loves to lick dirty boots is fuel for his arousal, and the all-encompassing adoration of his entire being, including his filthy animal side, is the reason why humiliation play can be a moment of deep connection and intimacy.
In that moment, it is only I who can provide him with this. And my God, that is so special. I love being that person for my subs.
Total Acceptance
Furthermore, for some people, there are things they cannot do anything about. Such as having a genuinely tiny penis, or erectile issues, or conditions which make it impossible for them to have conventional penis-in-vagina sex.
And if you think for a moment, how hugely vulnerable it is, to do vanilla dating, with something like that. Vanilla women have conventional vanilla expectations of men. To bring it up as a topic, really difficult. You must hope to find someone who can be accepting of it, and not mind, and I can’t even begin to imagine how nerve-wracking it must be for some.
But a Domme who enjoys SPH (small penis humiliation)… You know that you’re bringing an asset to her. You already know she loves small dicks, she knows how to have fun with them, and she’s not going to mind at all that PIV is out of the question. She will love the heck out of that tiny dick. The smaller the better!
This is the irony. I think that many people have it backwards when they think about humiliation/degradation. Much as it may not be someone’s cup of tea, for the people who do love and engage in it, it is often a safe space rather than the dangerous space of being out in the vanilla world being genuinely hurt by the look of horror on a vanilla woman’s face when she sees a tiny dick.
So even though a humiliation scene may look rather cruel to strangers, to the players within it, it may well be a moment of total love, trust, and complete acceptance of each other.
And to me, that is beautiful